The inescapable pull of blood soaked bones

Have you ever been bothered for money by your family. ?

Do you find yourself constantly in debt up to your eyeballs. ?

Do you find it hard to say no to your family whenever they ask you for a favor. ?

if that’s you then i have friends like you.

Their hearts are too big for their bodies.

They are a young single income family.

They have had to deal with the whole drama of living with the inlaws and outlaws.

They have faced the challenge of having a long distance relationship and the Montague and capulet like ancient tug of warring families.

It’s a tough decision to leave behind the security of a well paying job and the comfort of close proximity to family and friends only to start all over again from scratch with your husband’s family or harder still like some missionary families to begin a new life together in a foreign country devoid of any connection to your ancestral roots.

I try to avoid taking sides when it comes to disagreements between husbands and wives unless one half of the partnership is clearly theologically inaccurate.

It’s funny how we all know gossiping is a bad thing yet we still find ourselves passing on tasty tidbits about others.

We wrestle to resist the urge to splurge other people’s secrets.

We gorge ourselves on them til they ooze out the sides of our glutinous lips.

Why is it so hard for us to indulge in godly gossip. ?

Why don’t we pass on stories of couples meeting each other instead of cheating on each other. ?

Why do so many men and women in ministry put themselves in the way of sexual temptation. ?

I think it’s common knowledge to most women that us guys are easily aroused sexually. ?

You could be wearing a head to toe full face burqa and we would still be burning to indulge our curiosity about what was under it.

Guys have pretty wild imaginations.

When a woman touches us in a loving gentle purely platonic way it’s still possible for us occasionally moronic males to assume she has amorous intentions towards us.

And why wouldn’t she we are God’s gift to them right. ( joking)

And all the women in the place say i wish the gift came with a warning snorts burps and farts excessively,  gets angry when questioned, only wants to talk when your nose is in a book,  tells you how to behave but hates getting schooled, has jealous fits and tries to control what you wear, where you go and who you hang out with,  demands your attention or copulation skills without massage or foreplay,  expects a cook yet never wants to be one, says housework and ironing is against his religion,  thinks shoot em ups count as a romantic movie if they contain at least one bedroom scene,   always repeats what you say as if he invented it and likes to display his knowledge on topics you are more of an expert on just to make himself look smarter than he really is.

To be fair some of this is probably true for women too.

All relationships are better when there’s no third wheel tugging the 2 halves of a well balanced heart apart.

For people in ministry it’s best not to put yourself in a situation where you can be led astray.

Don’t be alone in a room or travel  with a member of the opposite sex if you are married to somebody else.

If you have to be alone in a room make sure the door is open all the time and your phone is switched on and full of credit so you can call your spouse if a member of the opposite sex comes onto you or starts sending you signals that might be easy to misconstrue and doesn’t bother to clarify exactly what they mean.

A woman may be more protective than a man about sharing her family secrets with the rest of the world.

This is similar to how a mother bird will behave.

When interlopers come near her little ones she will try to swoop on them and peck their heads with her sharp scabbard like beak.

Ok maybe not quite that violent but I think you get my drift.

Sometimes I have nothing wise or helpful to share with my friends so I keep my lips zipped beyond hi and bye.

I can tell when someone is reluctant to go deep with me so I don’t waste time with those people.

Talking to them is just too much like hard work.

With women my conversation can be like robyn fenty going from 0 to 60 in 3.5 seconds 🚘

I think that’s why I scare most women away.

You have to be pretty brave to be able to handle me.

It’s not like I’m too hot to handle like a scorching torch or candle I’m just too freaky for most women to deal with.

She has to be able to cope with an excessive barrage of questions quite often ones she has already answered numerous times because I’ve got memory problems which is also why I can’t learn to drive.

It’s funny how color or ethnicity only gets mentioned in suspect reports when the dubious individual hails from a non European background.

It makes me laugh how news reporters will call something a miracle yet never give props to Yahweh the maker of miracles.

I thought my friend said beautiful today when she was saying spoon or fork.

It’s not my hearing ability that’s at fault but my vocal or sound connectivity differentiation skills.

Thank God i get most words right or do an excellent job of bluffing if I do say so myself.

I only occasionally have to ask people pardon or say would you please mind repeating yourself.

If I don’t get it after the second time around i just give up and change the topic.

I am sure plenty of folks would disagree with me and we would still remain friends if it was my choice but I don’t see any direct correlation between tithing and the Holy Spirits ability to move in my life.

I am living proof that you can still be a stingy grumpy old burger and be used by God.

I know his power works in my life despite not because of me.

Not everyone is rich and famous or comfortable enough in their own skin to cope with cameras following them round 24/7.

Forget the prize money you would have to pay me to go on big brother and I wouldn’t accept being banned from having access to or talking about the outside world, playing stupid games, doing chores or sleeping with someone i wasn’t married to either.

They would soon make up an excuse to kick me out cos I would just read the bible out loud from cover to cover nonstop skipping sleep and meals until id finished, pee in a bucket and empty it in the garden,  ( if everyone else in the house was sleeping ) and brew myself a pot of coffee every few hours so I didn’t drift off.

Nudity is not actually a sin but it can lead to sin if you decide to strip off or walk around scantily clad amongst people you’re not married to.

It’s called wedlock for a reason cos you’re supposed to be locked in to that relationship for life bar unfaithfulness or constant physical or verbal abuse when the offending party isn’t willing to change or seek counseling.

Have you ever loved anyone who belonged to someone else. ?

I have.

Remember boys if she’s a Christian  and even if when she becomes your woman she will still first and foremost belong to Jesus.

It’s not wrong to have a prayer partner who is the opposite sex but make sure you limit physical contact to touching the shoulder and hugging standing up keeping hands above the waist to avoid causing any accidental romantic misunderstandings.

If a woman wants to play footsies with you don’t tell her boyfriend if he knows how to handle a weapon.

It’s not your fault if her foot strokes yours but if you are able to pull away or walk away do so faster than you can blink and for goodness sake don’t use your toe to stroke hers back that’s just asking for trouble.

Even if a woman seems to be looking at you with bedroom eyes that’s still no reason to take advantage of her.

Our false assumptions can get us slapped, fined or arrested.

Of course some women misinterpret a guys innocent intentions and think he’s cracking onto them when he’s just trying to encourage them.

If a woman tells me to stop messaging her i won’t do it anymore but not if someone else tells me not to contact her unless they are a cop or a lawyer.

When you are talking to some women they don’t know how to handle it when you want to get hot and heavy over the Internet with them.

Sometimes they act like they want it but then they feel guilty or scared what you might do to them if you ever met again in the real world so they treat you like a coupon for free garbage and cut you out of their life.

I can tell when I have done something to annoy a woman sometimes.

At other times they remain a complete and total mystery to me.

For example some women seem to be claiming to want to be treated with respect like a classy dame, a church girl,  a goody 2 shoes and Jesus freak like myself but then they strip down to their bra and panties or less online, they run in the opposite direction if you talk about romance or something other than cybersex, they don’t bother to examine all the information the media streams through their brain feed, they pretend to respect free thinking and diversity yet their minds operate like dolly the cloned sheep and they crave acceptance of their intellectual side yet they never stimulate it by exposing it to opportunities for its exercise through discussions about something deeper than who’s wearing jimmy choos and where to get a facial that doesn’t cost the earth.

Just in case you think i hate women i have a fiance who loves me  (God only knows why) and most of what I have to say applies to dudes as well as dames.

Guys obsess mindlessly over how the game of pick any sport could have been played differently and try to play video coach, umpire, referee, judge, jury and sports executioner rolled into one.


Skating on top of trains will never be a good idea or Olympic sport even with safety straps involved in some way.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s