When life smashes you in the face or seems to be shaking your outstretched hand

There have been things happen in my life that I didn’t expect for better or for worse.

Some people hold to the superstition that good and bad things come in 3s so if 2 bad things happen they are waiting for the 3rd thing to come along.

I’m sure when I was too young to remember i didn’t expect to be transported in a giant mechanical bird from England to Australia to steal a turn of phrase from my Norwegian friend gunnliek.

I didn’t expect to have the way i pronounce certain English words mocked in the school yard.

I didn’t expect kids to trick me into saying i was h.i.v positive with jokes or suggesting through double entendre that I am a homosexual because I like bananas, peaches and cream.

I didn’t expect to be surveyed on how often I masturbate by a fellow classmate in a Christian school.

I didn’t expect anyone in my school would get caught with a ganja leaf on school premises.

I didn’t expect anyone would accuse me of doing perverted things in public when I was copying mr bean and slipping off my undies without taking off my trousers.

This only works for traditional y fronts not boxers.

I didn’t expect to be accused of going in the girls toilet and taking photos of them when I was misguidedly taking snaps of them as they came out.

This was before I came to the realization that you can’t take someones photo without their permission.

My school chum nandi said if I took her picture i would steal her soul.

I didn’t expect to get told off by my school for taking a bunny toy to my work experience job at pine rivers press cos I saw one of the journalists had tiny toys blutacked to the top of his pc .

He was angry at the Simpsons for mocking his boss rupert murdoch.

My librarian friend ali didn’t expect to see an African American in the white house.

His money was on McCain.

I didn’t expect to fall asleep in Jakarta airport miss the check in for my flight try to get onto the wrong companies plane then burden my Indonesian friend with a missed week of church band practice and force her to accommodate me for an extra day.

She refused to talk to me though she did feed me.

She set me up with an English dvd air force one and made sure I didn’t get compelled to pay bribes to leave the country but she cut ties with me as soon as i was safely home.

I didn’t expect to find happiness with alice nor did I expect i would lose it just over a year later when I couldn’t maintain contentment with her unwillingness to discuss the Holy Spirit.

That was the straw that broke the camels back.

Religion is negotiable for my woman but if she is not open to discussion of anything and everything then it’s inevitable that our thought lives will drift in different directions.

I do primarily go for Christian women just because it saves arguments and God is so much a part of my life that I can’t help Him oozing out my conversation.

I didn’t expect I’d be allowed to pash her on the first date.

I didn’t expect any woman would let me get past second base or that I’d become the kind of guy who doesn’t wait until marriage to travel past first.

I always hoped I’d have more self control than that.

Like my previous ex says you can’t change the past but you can change the future.

I wasn’t expecting to ever love a Chinese, filipino or Solomon Islands lady.

I have been blessed in my love life to know these 3 with the last experiencing the deepest level of intimacy with a woman i have ever known outside of my friendship with my bestie which has always been platonic on her part and a longing for something more on mine.

I knew my friend was a lesbian but I wasn’t expecting her to seduce a married woman and make her leave her husband.

I know technically noone can make you do something you don’t want to do yourself but there is such a thing as manipulation.

When my friend initially started struggling with her sexuality it was triggered by a kiss she intended as a friendly goodbye but her ex took it as an expression of desire.

The trouble was her bigger sister cut her out of her life until it was too late to turn back time save divine intervention and she was molested by her uncle so she wrestles with trusting men which is probably why she has called me sister or would never call me anything other than brother in public even though we did have an awkward sort of romance that was limited exclusively to phone calls, misguided car fumbles and one time only lying on my folks bed waiting for her to give me permission to make the next move.

I couldn’t pretend she was beyonce.

As hot as she is.

It’s not like beyonce is better looking it’s just that I have never been one to make comparisons.

I just take people how they are and try to call out the destiny of who God has called them to be.

I didn’t expect to ever win a color in competition yet alone do it 3 times the best prize being free willy tickets, the next andre and a troll in central park video packs ( andre was free rental ) back when vhs was king.

I didn’t expect my work mate to agree to marry me so she could stay in the country only to find out that I couldn’t sponsor her cos I get a disability pension from the government.

This one i feel especially guilty about because she traded in her Christian faith to follow Sikhism perhaps because she felt like she has to share the religion of the guy she chooses to marry.

I see this as potentially being a bigger problem when kids are involved.

I didn’t expect God would give me the opportunity to travel all around the world.

Well i did dream of going to africa for at least 3 years before I did.

I didn’t expect God would give me the opportunity to smuggle bibles into China as a young kid.

You could get away with it cos the guards only checked one side of your body.

Now they do full body checks at border crossings which is why my feet will never touch Chinese soil again unless God calls me otherwise.

With the land war going on in the south China sea however this situation might change outside my own volition.

I didn’t expect to find out that had my mom chosen an African American serviceman half of me could be a little different.

I didn’t expect a woman would touch my genitalia when I was collecting for charity before I knew why she was saying she had another way to give to me whilst telling me to close the door and sending her cute little dog scurrying into a corner of the room asking questions to soothe my nerves as she touched me up like we were casually sipping lattes at a fine dining establishment.

I didn’t expect to feel my body being pulled down to the floor by the power of the Holy Spirit when I was in church.

I didn’t expect to be screaming and crying with snot dribbling down my face and temporarily losing the ability to say out loud the name of Jesus.

I didn’t expect to get a commendation for my art in Scarborough fair art gallery when I was in high school and feeling gutted for my friend whose far superior and expertly executed photo realistic painting of a possum didn’t even rate a mention in the judges eyes.

I wasn’t expecting to drop from the 7th grade peak of getting extra classroom work cos I was bored out of my gourd to post aspergers diagnosis being forced to attend useless learning support classes.

I wasn’t expecting to ever have to leave this place.

I didn’t want to leave our old house but this is far bigger and better than our old house.

We have been there longer.

Our garden grows better.

We generally speaking have more peaceful and better behaved neighbors.

This is an unfriendly unchristian attitude i admit but I consider good neighbors as being those who keep to themselves.

A mans house is his castle, his own private sanctuary and fortress of solitude.

I like helping people on the street but I couldn’t do what some people do and take them into their own homes.

I believe having our own space allows us to see spending time with others as less of a burden and more of a blessing.

I have heard of entire neighborhoods in America which are by accident or design devoted to a particular religion.

This is happening on a smaller scale in the uk with the influx of Muslim immigrants.

I welcome diversity of religions and cultures as long as they continue to allow me to practice my religion which by necessity and divine unction requires prosletysing to thrive and survive.

I didn’t expect sharia courts would ever be introduced in the uk for Muslims only.

I hope they never come over here.

Even a Muslim lady in the house of Lords has spoken against this.

I didn’t expect my friend would ever have to spend a night in the police lock up for doing a better job of protecting the law than them in Queensland by laying his body across the threshold of a baby butchering business preventing the slaughter of one less precious lamb of God.

I didn’t expect my Christian school would ever be stupid enough to let a book promoting homosexuality slip through the cracks in their class reading curriculum  ( sabotaged post haste once the truth was revealed ).

I didn’t expect a massive outbreak of Holy Spirit experiences at school with young kids getting slain in the spirit and some misguided people mockingly saying they were just faking being out of it to get out of class.

I have never been diagnosed with epilepsy but I have blacked out after wearing a wooly beanie or tuke in the heat of the noon day sun and my head and skin boiling in a billy flesh bag of stinking sweat.

I didn’t expect to get malaria on outreach in png or glandular fever just before the mission school i was support staffing was due to go to stanthorpe.

I wasn’t expecting my kind friend kelly to offer me a job support staffing cos I didn’t bother going for leadership studies cos I suck at exams and retaining short term information.

I didn’t expect another mission school applicant to drop out so I could get the opportunity to complete my basic discipleship studies which I messed up the previous year cos I didn’t complete my assignments.

Have you ever read the case for Christ by lee strobel.?

It’s amazing stuff but definitely a monster to dissect analyze and display aptitude for comprehension of its contents.

I much prefer his fiction work about a televangelist whose fame and faith threaten each other’s existence who is thrown headfirst into a media circus when another pastor at his church begins to experience a massive outbreak of healings at his prayer services.

You may wonder if he used some magical words.

That depends if you consider magic to be illusion or in the same category as miracles verifiable by physical evidence of change in well being or lifestyle.

That’s what makes salvation a miracle.

To rip a little relient k – who i am hates who ive been

Never underestimate my Jesus

He has the power to melt the coldest heart and heal the deepest cut we inflict on our self and others with His love, joy and peace.

The character in the book basically just prayed a blanket prayer for healing .

It wasn’t his specific words but God acting on the faith behind them that made the miracles happen.

I wasn’t expecting God would ever use me to lead another person to Jesus but He did.

My friend and outreach leader was speaking about bullying in png and one of the bullies gave his heart to the Lord.

I didn’t expect to ever be given the opportunity to share my raps in church but once I started i found my hands were shaking less violently and the more frequently i did it the less I stumbled over my words.

It frustrated me that some kids care more about the speed of your rap than the contents of the lyrics.

I didn’t expect to be asked twice in my life to ghost write love letters for shameless dudes once in an email and once handwritten.

The trouble only for me is i struggle to write affectionately about females without catching feelings for them.

I arrogantly never expected to be turned down for a date but the first time I was it made me hesitant to ask again even though I eventually did with a more welcoming candidate for the possible future ownership of my heart.

I didn’t expect to live in a world where the mainstream media celebrates sinful lifestyles of every combination yet largely ignores heaping plaudits on the virtuous unless they prevent victims of disaster or crack an ancient frozen case crime.

I didn’t expect the world Trade Center would burn down or that I would be so temporarily devoid of compassion that I cared more about the interruption to my nightly tv viewing schedule  ( stupid selfish punk kid that I was ).

I didn’t expect i would ever see 2 people of the same gender snogging on prime time television  ( the supposed sacred family viewing hours)

During the leave it to beaver era the biggest controversy on tv was the visible presence of saint john of crapperville.

I didn’t expect to see shorts on girls that are basically a few inches short of being panties.

I didn’t expect anyone would pay good money to have their jeans ripped with holes in the knees.

We used to buy patches to cover up our denim knee windows.

I didn’t expect most of my mission school to be prevented from graduation for drinking alcohol on outreach nor that instead of humbly accepting their punishment they would appeal for clemency to a higher authority getting the decision reversed and setting precedent for future outreaches.

I didn’t expect a perth mission team in India to be allowed to watch movies on the overseas leg of their outreach considering i got in trouble for doing so on a hotel tv with my translator Solomon in Ethiopia.

Ironically we watched the left behind series on that same trip cos it was considered godly viewing.

This was in a shelter for battered women in the mostly Muslim town of dire dawa ( also confusingly pronounced in amharic like we would say dred o wah ).

I didn’t expect most of the American Christian missionaries i met to have bad relationships with their earthly dads which made them struggle to see God as a loving heavenly father mother  ( a problem i am blessed to say i never had ).

People try to pin labels on dads like distant or physically present but mentally or emotionally absent father but focusing on those details doesn’t give enough credits for dads who choose to stay in the picture instead of following the panda principal of parenting  ( eats ,roots and leaves )


Perhaps my dad didn’t expect God would give him the ability to raise his kids right seeing as he is the product of divorced parents.

I guess that gave him the determination to be a better dad to his kids than his own dad ever knew how to be.

He is adamant he will never make his wife cry like his dad did his mother.

I didn’t expect that we would ever have another dog after the first one died but since the second one died im left desperate for another one.

I didn’t expect i would ever see a cabinet reshuffle or change of leaders rotating heads in my country in my lifetime.

I didn’t expect to ever wash dishes for a living or work for charity.

I didn’t expect God would give me the opportunity to make my first album in brisbane or my first with beats in Uganda with a skilled producer trained in kenya who tried to crack onto my ex.

Yes I have also loved Ugandans, Kenyans and Ethiopians mostly from a distance.

Luganda Ugandans are technically Ethiopians if you go back far enough.

I have loved Congolese n Rwandan girls too and Zambian but I choose to focus on reciprocated love instead of going nowhere fast infatuations stillborn before the dream is allowed to grow wings and flourish or trapped forever in the magical land of if only …what might have been.


I didn’t expect my friend would ever audition for a musical talent show and not win cos she was having a bad voice day.

They did show her temporarily  red haired self on the ad though.

My aforementioned Rwandan friend got on a talent show but didn’t make it past the first gate.

I didn’t expect to cut my hair for 10 years but I only grew it for 5 cos I won a free haircut through 106.5fm a Christian radio station based on the sunshine coast which plays mostly north American Christian music with some clean secular tunes tossed in the mix.

I’m not sure if they would approve of me promoting them in this blog so don’t tell them i sent you.

I got my hair cut by pam from tommy guns at sunshine plaza.

She was long haired tatted n kind of Polynesian looking.

She was a chatterbox like me so we made good company

I wasn’t even concentrating on the rugby game u can watch when they trim ur locks i was too busy yakking.

Good company is like priceless gems

You can’t complain about a bad haircut if it’s free

Blessedly mine was the opposite

Always Expect the unexpected.












Kindness is treating others how you want to be treated

Kindness is treating others better than you expect to be treated

Kindness is conforming to God’s expectation of your behavior rather than your own

Kindness is turning the other cheek and responding to insults with compliments

This is sincere encouragement not false flattery

Look for genuine good qualities and godly characteristics in a person’s personality and amplify them until they encompass their entire being

I recommend 1 corinthians 13 for the ultimate guide to kindness

Kindness is a creed I swear allegiance to that is higher and nobler than any pledge affirming nationalistic fervency

If cruelty is the enemy of kindness and the perpetuation of alienation or keeping strangers enstranged is the enemy of friendship if war is the opposite of peace and hate is the destroyer of love then God is the cure to our inborn devilishness and the answer to every question that might arise in the course of our travails upon this temporal plane of existence.

Kindness is not the gagging of truth but the loving expression of it.

I do not believe truth is relative but that we can all relate to each other and we all have something to learn from each other

If you know a man will fall into a pit if he continues down a certain road it’s kindness to advise him to make tracks elsewhere

The way our parents treat others and think about the world influences how we think about and treat others for better or for worse

We take on board their loyalties and prejudices and make them our own though we may rebel against the seemingly inevitable process of finding ourselves becoming like them

I tried for years to escape taking possession of my father’s belly laugh that fills the whole room like a mighty cloud of joy and his tendency to cackle like a crow at his own jokes but eventually threw up my hands skyward in surrender

I make this point solely to illustrate  the difficulties faced by those who strain to find a single act of kindness given to them by their parents other than the bare minimum of food, shelter, clothing, medical treatment, education, breast or bottle feeding and nappy changing.

I consider it an act of kindness on the part of my parents who following the biblical edict of train up a child in the way he or she should go and when they are old they will not depart from it diligently spoke and prayed scripture over us every morning before they sent us off to school.

Not everyone disciplines their children the same but my parents spanked me as a kid teamed with an explanation of why they were punishing me.

Dad only whacked my bum with the wooden spoon once enough to make it visibly sore

He never gave me welts or left me with a scar

I consider this punishment beneficial because it taught me the value of honesty which served me in good stead for the future

Some may be comfortable with a relationship built on deceit and dishonesty but I consider that to be a catalyst for disharmony and a recipe for disaster

I consider the legalization of drugs that cause brain damage and prostitution to be an act of unkindness on behalf of governments worldwide

I believe this leads to more harm than good.

I believe the ultimate act of kindness a parent can offer a child is to give them life and loving parents in the form of another husband and wife if they can’t afford to provide that secondary benefit themselves

That which genetics fidelity or physical limitation disables me from possessing

When I was little i wanted to be a doctor or an inventor.

Since then I learned that I do not have the necessary discipline, finances or brain power required to fulfill either of these dreams so I just let them slip through my fingers.

I never wanted to be a rapper until mysisters ex said my poetry sounded like rap.

I felt like I was at a cross roads between alternative grunge and hiphop.

I asked my friends advice as to which path to pursue and went and did the opposite so one may wonder why I asked his advice in the first place.

It might have something to do with the fact that he wanted to join the army so he could kill people that made me question his judgment.

When the recruiters came to school i wanted to join the navy cos they had the best uniforms but my parents dissuaded me from doing so cos they said they would swear at me and change me too much as a person.

I think they were also concerned about how well my Christianity would thrive if I was pulled out from under the protective wings of my home environment for an extended period of time.

I wanted to be dark skinned because I liked a girl with darker skin tones than me and I thought if I looked like her maybe she would have been willing to let me put my arms around her at our graduation year after party instead of dance awkwardly next to her.

Im sure there was an element of truth to my theory cos she was close to this extremely light skinned afro American dude at our school.

I didn’t know his cultural heritage til we had left though.

Until eminem came on the scene i wanted to be will smith.

He was always making everyone’s sides split with laughter in his rap videos and on the movies.

My introduction to him was getting jiggy with it.

My classmate mocked me cos I proudly showed her what I thought was the lyrics to the men in black theme song and it turned out i was way off the mark.

I want to have an album in the charts but I don’t have a publicist or manager.

It’s almost always been my dream to be a famous rapper and tour the world.

My dream just got a little more holy focused when my friend Fabian introduced me to gospel gangsters.

Before that on my grad year scripture union camp in mount tambourine a dude helped change the direction of my life when he said why not write about Jesus. He has done so much for you.

I couldn’t justify not writing about Jesus so there’s basically been no turning back on that topic for the last 16 years even during my periods of wayward living and swinging back and forth like a pendulum between faith and doubt.

I do have ambitions to be a preacher too but I only did 3 months of bible study.

I am not sure i could handle juggling the demands of shepherding a church and raising a family.

Unless you can delegate responsibility or can handle going without some luxury items such as brand new clothes every year and holidays i wouldn’t advise it as a career path unless you get a direct call from heaven.

I can’t have my fiance back in my life cos I told her i loved someone else even though there was no chance of me being able to form a relationship with that person cos she lives overseas

Or maybe that’s just the lie i tell myself to help myself cope with the fact that she’s not coming back into my life cos I wanted too much too soon from her.

I want a world free of poverty.

I want everyone in the world to be christians.

I want politicians to be honest and throw themselves out of office if they ever get corrupt.

I want bigger muscles and a chest slimmer than my current model.

I want a wife who believes in Jesus with a body like a supermodel or failing that one content in herself that she doesn’t need appreciation from others to know she looks good.

I want another dog cos mine kicked the bucket.

Mum and dad refuse to replace her though.

I see pets like sweet hearts.

The quickest way to get over the loss of one is to get another one.

I want to be able to have conversations with people that don’t dissipate into awkward silence.

I can’t have a mind devoid of mental problems but im not sure I’d want one cos the way my mind works gives me the ability to emphathise with the suffering of others.

I can’t be a woman but I wouldn’t want to bleed every month or have pain in childbirth.

I wish I had a time machine to go back and warn eve get your teeth away from that fruit honey its so not worth it.


I can’t have things my own way or get my every wish or all my prayers answered the way i want.

If I could i might enjoy it for a while but the predictability would eventually grow dull and boring.

If I had my way i would make heaven a place on earth right now but it’s only due to happen in God’s perfect timing.

I wish I had the power to ressurect my grandparents and dead uncles cos I only knew them as a wee lad of ten.

I wish I had a private jet to see my last remaining relatives whenever I wanted like my sister almost always can but maybe over familiarity might breed contempt.

I wish I had the confidence that all my friends and family know Jesus and are following Him with their whole hearts.

There’s a difference between knowing someone personally and just knowing about them.

For example i could tell you significant chunks of information about Michael Jordan’s life but my acquaintance from chi town actually collected Halloween candy from his home.

Apparently he was the most generous treat giver in the neighborhood.

I wanted to play soccer, rugby and basketball but lacked the hand to eye coordination.

I had asthma and I thought the ball was going to eat me so I ran away from it when it started heading in my direction in the school yard.

I hated poison ball or dodgeball cos I mostly hated hurting others and I strongly disliked participating in activities which deliberately make me vulnerable to bruises or injuries.

I wish I could talk in Holy Spirit language for hours at the drop of a hat like some people are able to do but it only ever happens for me in bursts of brief euphoric heavenly connection.

I only ever got a spirit song and the interpretation to one line in it once in my life.

I wish my ex choir didn’t force me to tuck my cross in my shirt cos it was against uniform policy.

I wish I had won 2 raffle baskets so I could give one away like my friend taz did with the only one he won.

I can’t have a do-over in those moments of my life when I hurt people with my words and actions

And those other moments when my silence caused me to miss out on what might have been a relationship with the perfect woman.

I like to rationalize if God intended me to be with them He would have made our conversations flow more smoothly or stop a slicker wittier dude from scuppering my chances of stealing her heart.

I wish I wasn’t so neglectful and incompetent in those kind of insecure relationships where you have no idea if you will ever see them again and both of you struggle to climb over the walls and barricades created by cultural and language differences.

These 2 things don’t have to be a problem but they probably require more patience and understanding than I possess in my entire being to overcome.

That’s what we’ve got God for i guess to provide a strength beyond ourselves and inject courage and tenacity inside us when the going gets tough.

I wish our dress codes were like American public schools so we didn’t get in trouble for wearing the wrong kind of hat or shirt on the wrong day.

I guess the blessing in our uniform policy was that we appreciated the beauty of girls all the more when they only had a rare chance to glamourize themselves.

They found ways to make their skirts shorter or wear long pants to avoid the eyes of us dirty minded boys.

I wish ladies my own age liked me.

As far as I can tell high school aged girls only like me as a friend and that’s the way it will always be unless I plan to spend the rest of my living days in prison.

I don’t know why 14 year old girls aren’t allowed to get married in western society.

I think it has something to do with assumptions society makes about their maturity level.

Some 14 year olds are smarter than females twice or thrice their age.

I do think it’s best for girls to get an education before they marry.

I wish I knew how to drive so I didn’t have to rely on my friends and family for transportation.

I wish I had enough money so I could afford to have lunch with my friends every Sunday and still be able to make an album a year for the rest of my life.

I have 2 under my belt but none have been released on a record label.

I also have 2 on  Christian compilations made for campers and missionaries.

Actually it was more like glamping cos we slept in cabins

I wish Christian tv was available for free during prime time everywhere in the world.

I wish the moon was made of cheese but then it wouldn’t give us light and we would eventually run out of it.

It’s funny how the moon and sun both give us light but only the sun gives us warmth.

I wish tv, movies and music were free from swearing or blasphemy and immorality as they are the main forces of influence in our modern world.

I wish more people would more closely scrutinize the media for potential bias.

I wish people would be more open to the possibility of prosletysing of the Christian faith to all ages in every area of society.

I wish people wouldn’t divide the world into law makers and law breakers cos we are all flawed and painfully human.

I wish my church People were a safe haven where I wouldn’t have to hear cussing or grotty discussions about who is sleeping with whom behind such and suchs back.

Sometimes I wish I had never met my friends yet other times they are the greatest blessing known to man.

I wish I could only see the benefits of a codependent relationship and not its detrimental side effects.

I wish I could have had lunch with my friends and my ex without fear of my friends blurting out something racist or inappropriate in another way cos they thought my exs skin was too dark or she looked too much like a man.

I wish humans didn’t occasionally classify our self worth by the lightness or darkness of our skin tone, shade or color.

I wish we could arrive at that place Martin Luther King talked about where man is not judged by the color of his skin but by the contents of his or her character but maybe that place only exists on the other side of the gates of heaven.

That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t strive to make earth look like a more heavenly place.

God commanded us to be good stewards and caretakers of this planet.

I wish we could all go back to eden.

I wish Jesus didn’t have to die on the cross for my sins.

I will never be absolved of that guilt even though He went willingly to the cross He knew there was no other way i could be saved from the misery i bring upon myself except through Him.

I wish Jesus wasn’t so good cos He makes all of us Christian dudes suffer by comparison but that’s a good thing cos it stops us from getting swelled heads if we acknowledge the standard we have to measure up to.

We are not competing with Christ for the affection of our girlfriends but as fellow brides of Christ we are challenging ourselves constantly to be more like Him in how we treat each other and those not yet members of His body.

I wish abortion was illegal everywhere in the world including contraceptive drugs, partial birth murder and full term infanticide.

I wish I had a limitless supply of cutlery, dishes and clothes so I’d never have to waste water on cleaning them.

I wish I had wings so I could fly and visit godly pretty ladies in America without worrying about not having enough money in my bank account to be granted a visa or hunting for a place to stay so it doesn’t look like I’m just going to lie low from the law and go amish in the hill country  ( a very attractive proposition right now ).

I think farms are better for holidays than a lifestyle choice for occupations.

I’m just glad plenty of people get a kick out of it so i don’t have to do it.

Ditto with sewerage, coal, rubbish workers ,oil refineries and all other dirty smelly jobs that escape the reach of my brain right now, probably cos I’ve never heard of them.

I wish we could just plant seeds in the soil without worrying about uprooting weeds or watering them.

I wish they could just jump out of the ground and harvest themselves.

Maybe they could before sin entered the world.

I wish I could read all the Christian books in the world and unread all the bad ones i have read which pull me further from God’s heart.

I wish I could read women’s minds so I knew what they were thinking of my comments before they open their mouths so I can absolutely guarantee that what they are saying and thinking is exactly the same thing and precisely ascertain their reaction to what I say.

I wish I wasn’t so scared of pushing women away that I hesitate to be myself around them just in case i give them the creeps or bore them to tears which frequently happens.

I wish I could be fun and exciting and faithful all the time.

I wish I could tell ahead of time when a relationship is going to crumble into dust so I can save all my love and affection for someone truly worth exhausting all my energy on.

I wish I knew whether having all my interests shared by the one I love is a guaranteed winner when it comes to keepers.

I wish I could eat a whole mountain of food in one sitting without worrying about growing a belly bulge the size of a small walrus.

I wish Hollywood had more faith in original ideas and didn’t just remake or reimagine the same old movies all the time.

I wish we could change the color of our skin every day.

Then if someone hated it we could just please them at the switch of a button.

I wish I could control the weather so I never have to make a mad dash and run like billy oh to escape the early onset of a thunderstorm.

I wish I knew all the answers to every question on earth so I could watch tv every night and never have to study for exams at school.

I wish I never had nightmares about hell but if I didn’t my soul would probably never develop a longing for heaven.

I wish I never had any money stolen off me.

I wish I had never argued with, bit or punched my sister.

I wish I had never stuck oranges down my shirt as a little kid but I’m 100% glad my parents dissuaded me from pretending to be a woman.

It’s funny that 400 years ago french guys used to wear high heels.

I hope you wouldn’t catch me dead in them.

I wish I was alive when Jesus was walking amongst His disciples.

I wonder how much we think of His character and personality would be an accurate assessment or just a figment of our collective imaginations.

I wish kids had never fought in the crusades.

I wish we could live in a world where no child is ever brainwashed into becoming a physical soldier.

The only kind of soldier we should ever be is spiritual soldiers for Christ fighting not against people just demons.

I wish the eyes of the world would be opened up to the reality of the spiritual war we are all fighting in instead of just narrowing their focus to this limited material plane of existence.

I wish all the rich countries didn’t keep the poor countries in a stranglehold of debt.

I wish multinational companies didn’t own so much of poor countries resources that they couldn’t even gain on exports cos most of the land is owned by overseas corporate giants.

I wish governments would be forced to act like the rest of us and not spend money they haven’t got or spend when they’re in debt.

I wish hating on and mistrusting priests and politicians wasn’t our unofficial national sport.

I wish people didn’t give each other bloody noses or missing heads just because they happen to disagree on matters of critical importance in regards to the future prospects of religion and politics.

I  want this world to be truly free and not bleed forthe privilege


Train seats and passing night ships

I remember how proud I was to call her mine when she resisted the advances of a super horny indian who wanted to sit in the city hall concert with her but she was waiting for her boyfriend to arrive which used to be me but isn’t anymore.

I feel like Ebenezer scrooge in the Christmas carol observing my life in the company of ghosts as if peering through a soul window.

She chose to sit behind me instead of next to me.

That action broke my heart.

She was clearly communicating her displeasure at being questioned by the cops after she demonstrated physical disgust at my attempts to touch her hand by shoving me away.

The irony was she would allow me access to far more sensitive and stimulating areas when we were just keeping company with the pleasant trio of God the birds and the trees.

She was so sweet when she lay her head on my lap in the movies when we literally had half an hour to watch less than half a movie cos she had to rush off to collect a parcel from the airport for her work back home at the soft drink company.

She told me how her uncle berated her sister for going clubbing when he was slurring his speech and clearly drinking heavily.

She told me about her father’s dual careers as a pastor and builder and his lifelong passion both for the Anglican church and his far more debilitating affection for cigarettes.

She always used to give her dad food cos if she gave him money he would just waste his body away puffing up a storm making his own personal chimney stack.

Her brother was good enough at soccer to be a junior professional.

His team won a few championships.

Maybe the problem was i like a challenge too much.

She made it too easy for me.

She even secured permission for me to marry her by asking her dad on my behalf.

The only effort required on my part was simply to buy a ring and stay committed to her the second part of which I failed at miserably.

We had communication problems from the start but we mostly managed to overcome them the more accustomed we became to each other’s accents.

I think she always understood me better than i did her.

She said she felt like she had been tricked or trapped into a  relationship with me.

The only time she was completely relaxed and comfortable when we shared company with others was when mum and dad were with us.

Even then she was quiet as a mouse around them and didn’t say much.

Obviously I didn’t know her well enough to avoid losing her but I knew her well enough to figure out that she never put on a show with me.

I only caught her lying twice about watching horror movies and falling in love with me later than she previously stated.

It was always love at first sight for me however fickle my commitment to her happened to be.

Now I have gone beyond crying all the time.

I just blow up in angry fumes at my parents whenever they ask me to do something other than stuff my gob with corn on the cob.


That’s not necessarily related to being the owner of a broken heart due to my own mismanagement of hers but it sure doesn’t help matters.

If a girl knows I’m a cheater before she gets into a relationship with me She is probably not likely to start one unless she’s absolutely desperate for company.

Sometimes she was reluctant to answer my tougher brand of questions

I could tell her face was getting increasingly squeamish as if to say do i really have to tell you this

Whilst Fighting an internal battle to resist her own reluctance to divulge her deepest darkest secrets at our first meeting.

She told me her dad liked Derek prince (like mine ) and she was a fan of Joseph prince ( like mine used to be but isn’t now ).

I’m not sure if doing this is hurting me or helping me.

I certainly haven’t made any money out of it but now I know i have an audience other than Jesus i am more conscious about the impact of my words, how they might be received and the possible repercussions of expressing my emotional turmoil and occasionally lust crazy state of mind.

I’m like a pendulum swinging between hedonism and holiness.

I think we all are to a certain degree we are just not always conscious of it.

Some try to redefine faith or doubt on their own terms but creating your own interpretation of what something is doesn’t change the essential elements of what it is just the way you perceive it.

I definitely became more sensitized to my friends struggles with maintaining their purity when she and I found ourselves drifting towards greater physical intimacy as we found ourselves continually revisiting the same conversations in fear that if we drifted off a safe topic we might completely fall apart.

I found it difficult to be completely honest with her since she set the rules of our relationship by saying she liked the fact i didn’t question her about past relationships just other mostly positive experiences with exception to the struggle her church faced to maintain membership when the pastor started to avoid showing up for meetings without cancelling them before hand.

She mistook a transvestite for a woman in fiji cos he was the first she had seen in her life.

Her misguided Samoan friend told her off for praying for him instead of her.

Our first spiritual crossroads came when she said abortion should be allowed in the case of rape and I quietly disagreed and changed the topic.

I did help her a little bit with biblical insight.

She taught me to spend time alone with God before church started.

She couldn’t do it the same way that she did in Solomons because they don’t let you into our sanctuary into a couple of minutes before the service starts so it’s harder to find that private space.

She used to be a worship leader at her church.

She had a go at playing guitar.

Her Samoan friend taught her when she was doing door to door Evangelism in Singapore and fiji.

One Muslim told her off for sharing her faith.

Plenty of indian Fijian families came to church as a result of her Evangelism.

She had to pay a fine for staying awake after curfew and chatting in boys rooms.

She never ventured beyond the door of mine

And when they kissed their bodies exploded in a burst of starlight

It was under the orange trumpet flowers in the botanical gardens where things took a turn for the best

She allowed him entry into her most secret parts

She swallowed him inside the chamber of her heart

She imparted life into him as his fingers explored her damp purse full of tender treasure

Dying to be nursed into a burst of soggy flames

That shot upwards piercing the clouds

Immediately upon his devious touch

This advantageous moment of least resistance

Stays with him in quiet minutes

His longing for her leaves him lagoon like

Her heavenly smile is a rocket ship transporting him back to that magical instant

Every time he shuts his eyes camera shutter tight

He can still taste her tantalizing tongue snaking its way across his marginally younger lips

She was the sun who eclipsed

The moon of all others with blazing brilliant brightness

She unleashed the tiger from her caged self in the sweet silence of his company

A wild beast untamed

A creature so well hidden inside her it appeared almost mythical on other occasions

It took faith to believe she would one day play the flute again

Causing the viper to emerge from his basket

Wrapping his hands around her waist

Writhing like a reed in the wind down by the river banks

She comes back to him in songs and movie scenes

She visits him fleetingly in the dialogue of deity, strangers and stranger still friends

No stranger to danger she endangered her heart

When she allowed herself to trust him completely

She thought he was a forever kind of guy

Perhaps he should have taken the hint when she was acting coy and camera shy

She didn’t want their romance to be memorialized

She just wanted to coast through life a holiday fling was only a private joke stayed on her mind

Between her father and herself when first she came here

We sat beneath the shelter of steel shade

And watched the hours fade faster than we could snatch them

If only we were able to recapture that first perfect smooch

Coffee always tastes more delectable with you darling

I shot myself in the foot

I am the wounded pigeon stumbling round in the darkness

I made myself an easy target for ridicule

With my clumsy careless mannerisms displayed in all my glory whenever I’m around you

Thinking about how we never sang karaoke with a machine

Only in our private tragic magic garden space

Groping around in the darkness

Like a geriatric myopic clown hunting over every hill and dale for his spectacles

Only to discover them casually perched atop his head

Like a shy bird peeking its eyes out a hair nest

She had a fair amount of jests at my expense

Although it left us both feeling guilty as sin

It felt like the only way to make you smile was to push myself ever further til I shoved too far and we both tumbled over the edge of the abyss

Desire burned into lumps of sadly smoldering human clay

Now i shoulder the blame alone i drag it like a heavy lodestone

Up the hill to zion tossing my weighty woe in the jaws of a holy lion

Who roars over my trials and crushes them into powdery dust

Perhaps in this form i can cause you less harm

Now I’m no longer tangled up around your arms

Like a spool and thread

Like hair rope knotted in dreds around a follicle chewing pigtail lovers stomach

She couldn’t stomach my belly aching

She has forsaken me,  the thorn in her side

At last ripped out her life

So she throws back her skull and laughs til she cries

Or maybe she does both at once

Sitting in the corner with a dunce cap on my head

Stupid enough to blow sky high my only shot at happiness

Now I’m trying desperately to plug the grand Canyon like hole she left inside my heart


She saw an angel in my eyes til sharper visionaries scrutinized my essence more deeply and uncovered the well camouflaged demons

I had kept from her lying just beneath the covers

A hasty sheet thrown over their heads

A sheepishly bleating klansman slaughtered by a beefy panther in possession of a slightly murderous edge

I see burning crosses in her eyes

I see the whirlpool of history all her excellence and my apathy

What was it that possessed her to spook me in the daylight hours

Some ancient still grinding axe of revenge perhaps

Cleverly submerged beneath her humorous veneer


There are things she never wanted to know

But the cliche wasn’t true though I never knew

The exact number of boys she had been with

And vice versa with the genders reversed

Our ignorance was far from blissful

Dancing on a knife edge between child like innocent and perverse

My fingers sail across the star studded universe

Of her comets and asteroids

She would have been best to avoid me from the start


It’s not like I eyed off other girls around her

But when I was home alone with my computer

It was a different story entirely

Or in the splendid company of all those dainty maidens

Dotting the landscape of my church yard in abundance

Chattering in clusters mostly closed off and distance

Yet a few slipped through the cracks and struck their arrows through my heart


Struggling to avoid succumbing to those capsules of breathlessness

Still born daydreams dying in the wake of the latest revelation i was able to reveal to her alone

It wasn’t enough to beg and plead throw chairs, kick and scream

Her mind was made up i couldn’t change a thing

Indeed i shouldn’t have shifted the landscape between us

Causing her days and nights to be drenched with sorrow from now on

My arrogance forbids her to stumble upon a happy face to call her own unless it happens to be screwed upon the neck i own

Could she be mine again was i the swine she cast her pearls in front of

Forbidden by the prophets and wise merchants of wisdom incarnate

The flowers cast a spell of scattered blessings and curses blowing among the wind born weather

Windmills rotate as we mate with eyes alone

Not permitting ourselves to do the unthinkable

And give in completely to our throbbing biological God given urges

A sense of duty calling you home

The black hole my soul slid quickly into

The day i woke up and found you gone


This time it’s real i can’t help her see the light mixed in with my dark personality anymore

An available coworker sounds like a flimsier excuse than a deep abiding love for Jesus or the fascination of a soul searching big question answering rasputin like high faluting desperado

Who i stood toe to toe with

As we drifted off to sea hearts cartwheeling off lover’s cliff

A fiery lake we couldn’t neglect forever

Surrender my body to the flames

Cos in your absence there exists no dame

Who can manage to satisfy my forlorn fervent feverish soul

Quite like you do

It’s a problem when you are barely in the game

Yet still you’re scared of a little competition

The trouble is you never truly knew what you wanted

From the moment we decided we’re a couple you began backing off from us

I know it happened too fast

We ended too soon

We couldn’t make it stretch like a giant band of rubber ringing round the moon

We couldn’t make it last

Now it’s only in my nightmares you keep blasting into view

If I didn’t make such a lifelong commitment maybe it would be a simpler task getting over you

Right now the only thing I’m committed to

Is insane asylums and Amityville

Jesus my homies and vitamin pills


Don’t trust me unless you like getting hurt by liars

Sleeping in the fire i plunge myself into each eve

Deceived by the streams of desire my thirst would be quenched by these tongues of fire

But my appetite for self destructive doors leading to deeds of pleasure was only ever on the increase

I try to rationalize my actions and fail miserably

I am not years therefore I am nothing

I am emptiness I am absence i am vacant stares into space

Stairs into galaxies i climb in rhymeless treading

Leaden footsteps without her now

Once her pet puppy nestled noggin on her warm lap

Now eternally banished to the doghouse

With no hope for return this side of heaven


Always thinking about the next one means i can never fully enjoy the company of the one I’m with

It’s not that complex to figure out the inner strength of the so called weaker sex

Perhaps indisputably fairer in the grace they bestow upon us undeserving boys

My password was hacked wasn’t going to cut the mustard as an adequate excuse this time around

She had had it up to her eyeballs with me

She had copped a bellyful of my candy coated verbal vomit

There was no goodness in me only this abiding affliction

The discomfort i brought her looping endlessly inside my head


Is my current love interest going to punish me until the end of time for my pestering petulant past

I think I’m my own worst fiend in that regard

I am not the one you should be pointing the finger at

I am not responsible for the actions of your mum and dad

So please stop throwing us all in the same box

Like tossing lumps of different colored plasticine at the wall

I promise you baby girl I’m going to stick around for the long haul

Feels like I’m crawling around on all fours right now

I’m just a cockroach in your eyes honeysuckle blossom

Lying on the road belly up playing possum

I can’t allow myself to drag my cold blooded carcass down this road of life possessing love in my heart for absolutely no one

It’s hard when you can’t tell the difference between the voice of Jesus and satan

When my choices appear to be amoral or ambiguous

Can you help me out Lord

I need a strength my spirit don’t possess

To lift my broken wings up in flight

When my heart still moans each night for her airtight caress

Yes I will cherish the memory forever

Of the way you looked in that summery dress

Shimmering in the silvery sparkling lunar light

Once the diamond that pierced my bloodstream now available for another to possess


She says she can’t allow her heart to be broken again

She’s not forgiving like beyonce

Her mercy is limited to ants and aphids

She carefully sidesteps to avoid crushing beneath her heels

My asteroid spins on her wheels now

Running rings round the rest though she detests me til kingdom come

I could blame it on the u.s.a

But she never asked to be my bae

United States of anxiety

Her paranoia flooded into me

I was always a bundle of nerves around her

I was a worthless piece of rubbish when I found her

Now my heart is only fit for her scrapheap

But maybe someone else will spot God’s treasure in me

Amidst the murky detritus of a shattered leopards organ built for pumping gaseous blood