the changing n inalterable elements in my relationship with my sister

How distance and time have affected my relationship with my sister.

We never had a close relationship but it’s become more distant over time.

We used to talk in the commercial breaks when watching tv shows until I discovered it was possible to watch one show in the breaks for another.

We used to have the same taste in television.

We have always both liked music.

I used to deliberately buy alternative music after i bought r and b and my little sister used to borrow it.

We both used to hate on each other’s musical taste.

I used to read her babysitters little sister books.

She was the one who inadvertently got me into ann n martin.

She used to be called wisemans sister.

I made life hell for her at school by association because of my mental problems.

I tried to help her with a school assignment but the language i used was too lofty for it to be believed as the authentic voice of someone her age.

She didn’t understand when I was writing a poem titled insignificant brother i wasn’t trying to make her feel guilty i was just punning on the title of an album by limp bizkit.

I tried to bite her and hit her when I was little.

I don’t do that now.

She has admiration for me but I also think sometimes she underestimates my mental capacity.

She’s hard to read.

She either flatters my intelligence or  acts patronizing like i am a fragile glass swan that she has to handle with kid gloves.

I could be looking at the past with rose colored spectacles of nostalgia but although we did used to argue fiercely in the past we were more closely linked spiritually so we were on less shaky ground with each other.

I have never loved her.

I have simply grown to hate her less the more accustomed i have become to her face.

I can say i love her with the love of Christ but I’d be lying if I said I ever wanted her to be a part of my life.

I am a completely selfish person in regards to how i relate to her.

I never wanted to share my parents with her.

I was happy when she left home.

Over time there has been an ever increasing dynamic between us of her acting like a substitute parent.

She treats mum and dad like her kids sometimes too.

Dad used to call her a  bossy boots when she was little.

I never wanted to kill her or wished she would die we just hardly ever saw eye to eye and mostly got along by keeping out of each other’s way.

There was a time when we bonded over music and did some recording together with my ghetto tape player.

She sang the choruses and I rapped the verses.

We used to play pirates together.

She was Samuel and I was rufio from the peter pan all grown up movie hook.

We used to imitate the blasphemous scene where they eat imaginary food and say grace by just uttering the word grace.

I wasn’t very gracious to my sister.

I called her out on the phone for having sex before marriage.

It didn’t stop her one bit but her boyfriend did eventually make an honest woman out of her.

When we were at school our parents made me go on a group date with her much to her consternation.

I remember having a funny / ew gross moment together when we were walking along holding hands and someone called out is that your girlfriend.

In our Christian school as primary students boys were made to hold hands with girls.

We used to be very transparent with each other about our struggles with our sexuality but as soon as she got a serious boyfriend she shut down on me.

Was i trying to be the sister I never had by relating emotional experiences or analytical processes of dealing with every day life

Was she compensating for my lack of a brother by being tomboyish

God only knows

She was better at tools than me.

After 7th grade she was better at studying and sports.

We used to play games with our toys together.

We pretended her snowman and rabbit snowy got married and my teddy downing named after her God parents was having a hot n steamy love affair with snowy.

All i can remember influencing me at the time was keeping up appearances, the Simpsons and a movie about kublai khan.

I know it wasn’t the kublai khan movie that influenced my thinking cos when us kids watched couples kissing we thought that’s how babies were made so we said they were getting friendly.

I was jealous of my sister once for getting a present on her birthday n demanded one of my own.

Then I was jealous cos hers was bigger than mine.

She was allowed to date in groups in 10th grade.

I wasn’t allowed to date in any shape or form until 12th grade.

I hurt her when I didn’t come to her graduation

I wouldn’t have come to her wedding if mum and dad didn’t force me to go cos she didn’t marry a Christian.

It’s more than a faith issue

I have seen him constantly put my sister down

I believe this has damaged both her faith and self confidence.

I can’t remember ever insulting her intelligence.

It grossed me out the first time I found out she wore a thong.

Thank God she never wore one around me or i would have puked my guts up.

I lost any remaining respect i had for her when she came to our door for dinner bringing her boyfriend in tow wearing a t shirt that proclaimed her to be a slut.

I was hugely proud of my sister for performing a tambourine dance on stage and singing a song about friendship.

I was prouder still that she became a leader with scripture union.

I was proud when she made her own songs and delighted with her reworked versions of commercial jingles.

She had to create a fake product so she sang a song about hairpins shampoo to the tune of i like aeroplane jelly.

She was the one who educated me on abortion when she said how a Christian lady survived being aborted by her parents.

This event is more common in occurrence than some may think.

We were close enough as little kids to get naked together.

Im glad those days are dead and gone.

We used to play teachers and students, mummies and daddies and her friend taught us to play shop keeper.

This is funny because that was my grandfather on dads sides occupation while he was alive.

The only time we did any public speaking together was when we had passover at our church of the time sharon Christian assembly  ( first at nundah in a salvation army hall then combined with a church in Windsor whose pastors son was in my school for a time ) which was led by a messianic jew

That was the first jew we had ever met in our lives though my sister may contend the first we ever saw was in the mirror but my dad begs to differ claiming the Jewish bloodline is passed down through the mother.

I’m happy living with a little mystery in my life and concentrate on being a citizen of heaven til God welcomes me through those pearly gates.

She used to pick up our guinea pigs poop cos the sight of it made me vomit.

We used to do junk mail deliveries around the neighborhood together.

I used to say her art wasn’t as good as mine because I arrogantly saw her accurate reproduction of photos and realistic still lifes as inferior to my purely abstract or cartoonish pieces of work.

I have since learned to be less philistine like in my appreciation of art.

My sister said i draw breasts like testicles.

That shattered my self confidence.

I still struggle to reproduce an image of the female form with accuracy below the neck.

I was jealous of her when she wrote a poem for dad

I felt like poetry was my thing and she was trying to steal it from me.

Yes I was and still am an attention seeking brat.

We used to pretend to be good witches  ( i know they don’t exist now ) cos we saw this tv show about good witches with white hats and bad witches with black hats and somehow we involved grandads lolly watches in our wicked game when he came to visit us .

This is grandfather on mums side.

My sister and I used to argue about washing up

I would say reject n keep making her do it til she got it right

I see now that she may have thought i was rejecting her instead of the dishes

I still think i was right to be meticulous about cleanliness though

It never occurred to me to just jump in take over and do it myself

I feel like she got her own back in 2014 when we were at dads cousins place in the uk and she wouldn’t let me come anywhere within radias of the dirty dishes

She gatecrashed our holiday by forcing her way into hanging out with us.

I always had spats with her about the sincerity of her apologies.

Short of divine intervention we will always fight like 2 cats in a bag until the day we die.

Do I tolerate her yes

Do i love her possibly maybe sometimes not always usually when she’s giving me a present or she displays a rare moment of godliness

Such as when she takes time to be with her friends or drives me home when I thought I was leaving Australia forever for fiji in 2008

Does she help test my patience and challenge my resolve to be compassionate absolutely.

I can have a nasty argument with her which makes me feel completely drained cos shes got me on the defensive the whole time and she will describe it to my friends when she runs into them in the shops as the two of us having a lovely time together

She lied to me about buying pens off my old charity job for Christmas presents for her friends.

She did give me raisins and ducks brand nuts when I went to her house to collect money for cancer though.

My bestie went walking in the park near my sister’s place when she lived near the area.

My sister offered to give my ex and I a room for the night when she was working at jeanswest

We didn’t take up her offer

I never spent the night all alone with my ex but we did spend a night in the same bed together fully dressed at her catholic cousins place.

I regret the boundaries we pushed and compromises we made in our relationship now.

People tried to tell me at the time that if I truly respected her i would wait before marriage before doing anything sexual with her but my stubborn ears refused to listen.

Sometimes my dad would jokingly pit my sister and I against each other cos she and he both have blue eyes and webbed toes and mum and I have hazel eyes and webbed toes.

My sister used to use the logic of if dad says no mum would say yes but they always scuppered her plans by putting up a united front.

She was condemning of her friends when they dabbled in witchcraft and one of them became a stripper.

She told me off for asking our parents to buy me an album with swearing something i don’t do anymore .

I didn’t appreciate the wisdom of her words at the time.

Now I know I have to fill my head with godliness to stop garbage flowing out.

 

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4 thoughts on “the changing n inalterable elements in my relationship with my sister

  1. I’ve heard it said that you can’t love something unless you care about it. Perhaps you do love her. The feelings of hate are frustration with your disappointment in the love you’ve invested. Just a guess, another perspective for your possible use. I pray you two can merge your paths again.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I think you should on my Journey I called all of my five of my siblings and spoke of great memories and then reminded them that if we were the same I wouldn’t be an individual so praise God we are opposites. Because now I can learn new things through their eyes

    Like

    1. What did you learn from your sisters wilhemina. ?
      Please share the good memories you had together
      Yes I need to celebrate opposites instead of denigrating them
      Its hard when you see someones personality or beliefs do a complete 180 though 😁

      Liked by 1 person

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